Learning Playgroup Etiquette

Maggie, a character from the book "Breathing Lessons," thinks that the reason she wasn't a very good disciplinarian for her children was that she always felt pity for them. Anne Tyler, the author of "Breating Lessons," says that she rarely writes from children's points of view because she doesn't want her readers to have to relive the horrible period that is childhood. I wouldn't classify every childhood as horrible, but lately, I've been feeling a lot of pity for children in general, especially one- to three-year-olds who are learning how to be nice to each other.

Baby's been spending a lot of time on play dates and in nurseries, and, as I watch these kids, it's fairly obvious to me that kids don't naturally get warm fuzzies from being nice to each other. The only reasons they will share toys are 1) because they are modeling other, more dominant people, or 2) they expect some kind of reward for being good or punishment for being naughty.

It takes an enormous amount of self control for them to behave, and playgroup social rules are kind of complicated. You are encouraged to play with toys, but you may not take the toys from other kids, no matter how appealing the other kid makes the toy look. If a grown-up offers a toy to you, you should take it. You should not cry if you are sad, only if you are pushed on purpose, and then you must cry loudly if you want the wrong to be righted. If you are pushed, you must permit the offender to give you a hug and a kiss, even though the hug is just as likely to knock you down as the push. You may not push the hugger or run away. Snacks from Mom's diaper bag may be eaten, but you may not take snacks from other diaper bags or from other kids. You must share your snacks with other kids if they show an interest. Snacks may not be eaten once they fall in the sandbox, and sand may not be eaten either. You must clap after other kids successfully go down the slide or after someone sings a song, and you may expect other kids to clap for you, but you may not force them to clap for you. You must show interest in new babies in infant carriers, but you may only touch softly. The infants do not have to touch you softly.

Maybe I should use my legal training to draft a more formal statutory code for playgroup rules, complete with suggested criminal sentencing and civil penalties for the rule breakers and their caregivers. Hmm.

Anyway, Baby is learning these yet-to-be-codified rules surprisingly fast, but it breaks my heart to see Baby wrestling with his consuming desire to break them. When I snatch the truck away to give it back to Playgroup Buddy, he looks up at me with despair in his eyes, especially since, just as often, I'm taking the truck away from PB and giving it to him. Poor guy. I used to always be on his team, and now he can't count on my anymore. It's tempting to just stick up for him every time: take all the toys and pile them in front of him, steal snacks for him out of the other mom's diaper bags, etc. Hey, as long as the rules aren't written down, what are they going to do to us?