MotherGuilt

I just finished a heartfelt, hilarious, profanity-riddled, and anti-conservative book on motherhood. I wouldn't describe myself as conservative, but 90% of the people I love do describe themselves that way, so the book made me think a lot about the author's issues with conservative American political and social life.

Her main beef seems to be that conservative, Christian, nuclear families thrive by teaching their mothers to be "obedient to everything except [their] own heart[s]." The result is that these mothers end up being so filled with guilt and suppressed rage that they go insane. Instead, she advocates that society teach mothers to be true to the goddess within themselves, meditate daily, buy organic, nurse in public, rage against the machine, and teach their children tolerance for everyone. Except abusive men and conservative, Christian, nuclear families, who should be whipped.

In spite of my Provo address and my religious affiliation, I'm down with the whole goddess-within, reflective, organic, nursing, revolutionary womanhood thing. Seriously. And I don't think mothers should wallow in guilt. But, I know for a fact that conservative Christians don't have the corner of the guilt market. Sure, I feel a pretty much constant pressure to keep my child morally safe, clean, and worthy. My heart will overflow with pride if/when I see him marrying and creating his own traditional nuclear family. And, yes, this pressure brings occasional twinges of what might be called guilt when he begin his Sunday mornings by watching "Cars" instead of "Special Witnesses of Christ." Not repressed-rage guilt, just I-can-think-of-better-things-he-could-be-doing-but-I-need-to-get-dressed-for-church-and-I-know-he'll-leave-me-alone-if-I-let-him-watch-Cars guilt.

I also feel a constant pressure to raise my baby to be a tolerant, peace-loving, freedom fighter. Baby's media choices will not include Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, or Anne Coulter as long as I have anything to do with it, but he's welcome to tune in to "Bowling for Columbine" or "An Inconvenient Truth" anytime he likes. I would love love love it if someday he marched on Washington for universal health care, livable minimum wages, gun control, environmentalism, feminism, affirmative action, etc. He can even borrow from my collection of leftist political buttons ("Well-behaved women rarely make history," perhaps?). I feel guilty that Baby loves trucks more than dolls, and he only seems to like books with characters that growl. Not repressed-rage guilt, just I-hope-my-liberal-friends-at-Ms.-magazine-never-see-the-inside-of-my-son's-boyblue-toy-box guilt.

See, like most moms, I'm trying to give my baby the best of everything, and when I realize that I could have done better, I feel bad. Sometimes I feel guilty about one thing, and sometimes I feel guilty about something else, but it's all based on the same instinct I have to give Baby the best life ever and to help him find pure and eternal happiness. I have enjoyed profound satifaction in the doctrines of my Christian church. I feel that my religious commitments to dietary restrictions, prayer, and scripture study have done me far more good than my political/social commitments to buy organic, engage in breathing exercises, and listen to NPR. Apparently, the author of the book I just read thought that the political/social stuff was the only stuff worth the guilt. That doesn't hurt my feelings; it's all good stuff. I just kind of prickle when she insinuates that the other stuff I'm trying hard to incorporate into Baby's life is not only a waste of energy, but it's bad for me and for Baby.

I think that we moms all feel the same amount of guilt because we all want be the same amount of perfect.